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while my friends are shooting for beer pong at parties, i'm shooting basketballs at the gym. disconnected? you bet. i've been questioning myself more and more about my morals, not drinking, hell, i haven't even smoked in a few weeks now. i find myself drifting more and more from everyone and consequently, that leads to a disconnect with other things. i'm out of the loop on jokes, events, all because of my lack of want for drinking. in high school i guess it was okay because well, i mean, what else was there to do except hang with my friends? but now that i'm in college i find myself getting disgusted with this little 'social atmosphere' that can only be formed in the presence of alcohol. consequently, i miss out. trust me, it's not like i've never wanted to just pound a few beers. i just don't find it to be essential when it comes to socializing. obviously, i'm wrong because i've been feeling this way for quite a while now. if this comes off as me saying that my friends drink all together too often, no. this is about me feeling disconnected and out of place. i find nirvana in basketball, weights and, music. lately i've found myself trying desperately to fit back in as if i have something to prove to my friends. even though they're my friends, i feel like some part of me has lost their approval. i don't know what it is. some things just aren't the same, they've changed and i feel like it's not for the better. now that i think about all the times i got blunted, i wonder why. yea, shit was fun when i was lit but afterward, what was gained, no less, no more than where i was before. i lied, maybe more full than i was before but that's beside the point. i'm a damn fool and now i realize how hard i was trippin, i don't drink cause it's not necessary to have fun. to think, there i was for a while getting blunted laughing shit up. what a fucking hypocrite i am, gross. that's why i've stopped. well, that and, it brings me down physically. where do i stand now? i don't really fucking know but it's not on two feet for sure. i need to find some footing and figure out the pieces to this puzzle. i don't know where i am, i don't know where i'm going, fuck. to sum it up, i'm lost.